There comes a day in one's life when you transition from a adolescent to an adult. This event is the catalyst to adulthood. It could be as small as getting yelled at or as big as a death in the family. But they all have one outcome, maturity. When the day comes and you acquire this trait, it stays with you forever. The event is tattooed into your mind. It's because it represents the moment you came of age. The day I will remember forever was in 7th grade.
It was lunchtime and I was sitting with all of my adolescent friends. And it was pouring, forcing all students to stay inside the cafeteria. One of my friends had a bag of melted ice and was daring everyone to put it inside somebody's bag. The cold water bag was being passed around in circles, with nobody daring to dump it in a school bag. It was passed to me several times, but I refused again and again. Someone eventually gave into the peer pressure and did the act. The school bag and books inside got soaked and he told the office. A handful of us got called into the office to give our perspective of the situation. Even though I wasn't the one to get his bag wet, I got in trouble for association.
I had to call my parents and got a week of detention. But that wasn't the worst of my punishment. I was yelled at by my parents and I got grounded for a really long time. For the times I was at home with nothing fun to do, all I did was think. I went over all of my actions and the choices I made to get me there at that moment. I had done all the wrong actions and made all the dumb choices. I realized I had to be smarter. I had to make better choices of friends. I thought I had done nothing wrong because I didn't dump the water bag. But I was in trouble simce the day I made those friends.
This day I realized what it meant to come of age. I no longer hung out with these bad influences even if they were the most popular. I chose to be smarter and get myself out of trouble. I realized that this day was actually good for me. I endured the boring hours of doing nothing in my room and the long lectures from my parents to learn that I had to be smarter. I came of age that day because I chose to look at the bigger picture. I would much rather have mature friends than get in trouble and regret bad choices.
Your description of the event itself is short enough for the reader to understand what's going on and how you came of age. I'd probably add a lot more commentary, however; there's a lot of room for reflection in the first two paragraphs; they don't have to all just be allocated in the second two.
ReplyDeleteGrammatically, there's a few spelling errors but they don't distract the reader from the purpose of the essay (one error in the third paragraph: change "simce" to "since").
-Coby
Your essay was short and straight to the point. However, I felt like your sentence fluency could be improved a little. You could also add a little bit more about what you were thinking during that situation or how it made you feel. Overall, it's very easy understand how that experience helped you to come of age. Good job!
ReplyDeleteThe event you had was cool but short and i like how you had description and explanation in your paragraphs and how you learned to do smarter things.
ReplyDeleteYOUR FIRST PARAGRAPH IS NOT NEEDED, DON'T TELL US ABOUT COMING OF AGE, BUT SHOW US THROUGH YOUR WRITING AND EVENTS DISCUSSED. ALSO YOUR ESSAY HAS VERY LITTLE REFLECTION AND THE REFLECTION THAT YOU HAVE WHICH IS IN THE VERY END IS NOT COMPLETELY EXPLAINED. YOU NEED TO EXPLAIN AND REFLECT THROUGHOUT YOUR ESSAY WHILE YOU DISCUSS THE EVENT SO THAT WE DONT JUST READ ABOUT IT VERY QUICKLY AT THE END. TELL US ABOUT WHO YOU WERE IN THE BEGINNING OF YOU ESSAY AND THEN REFLECT ON HOW YOU ARE NOW IN THE END. AS(2-)
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